Introducing Myself After Transition and Change

I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about how easy or hard introducing myself is or isn’t until recently.

I’m noticing a horrible trend where my face fires up a deep red and I feel my neck getting spotty while I stutter over my words, trying to figure out what to say for that situation or person.

It’s awful.

In one such moment on a rare day of sunshine, during this long Michigan winter, I was by myself at a doctor’s appointment. The nurse who was doing the initial paperwork and vitals asked, “Are you married or single?”

I stared at her and said, “Uhm, divorced.” Completely unbothered, she looked down at her paper, checked a box, said, “Ok, you’re single,” and then, she proceeded to the next question.

With a catch in my breath, I was quite bothered and stuck on her response for quite some time.

Even when she asked who my previous neurologist was and where my last scans were done and I had to say, “My neurologist is in Pretoria, South Africa” and, “Oh, and I did have one MRI in Ohio, too.” which left her a bit puzzled as to how I found myself in her office in northern Michigan… awkward.

For me, I was still feeling the “single” part of the previous question.

I’ve been noticing “introducing myself” moments like this recently. Not only with the divorce but also with my transition from living and working overseas to starting my own business as a life coach.

There have been so many changes and transitions in the past few years—from being a homeschool mom to having three adult daughters, from being in full-time ministry to starting my own business in professional life coaching.

“What do you do” and “where are you from” are questions that have always been hard. Even as a young girl, my family moved around a lot and it was difficult to answer introductory questions like these in succinct ways.

But after all the events of the past few years, it feels even more complicated to explain moving, transition, change, and the life situations that have caused so much intensity in my life. It’s hard to introduce myself because everything feels so unfamiliar, unclear, and unintended.

Yes, my life has become very complicated to introduce to others.

Introducing myself feels foreign, off, odd.

Recently, I was being introduced to another professional. As she began asking me questions about myself and my life, I felt my face turning red and a feeling like a mixture of embarrassment, anxiety, and fear settle in my gut.

I don’t know how to introduce myself right now.

Who knew introducing myself could be hard?

I don’t know what to say that is simple or uncomplicated. How do I unpack the past 20 years into short sentences? Nothing feels genuine or right without so much explaining.

Add to that my not-in-a-million years circumstances that led to it all—it’s very complicated. It’s a story that’s difficult to describe or share.

I talked about it for the first time recently on a podcast with Leslie Vernick. You can listen here.

These red-faced, stumbling over my words, “not quite sure what to say” moments are frustrating, sad, and hard.

Do I tell people that I’m a professional life coach and a pastor?

Do I say that I’ve lived in Africa as a missionary?

Do I talk about my writing and speaking?

How do I answer all of the questions?

Do I talk about neurodiversity and narcissism and covert abuse and all that I’m learning about what God has to say about divorce, fools, harm, and marriage?

No, most people don’t need all of that… which leaves so many unanswerable questions.

Read “The Marriage You Want” by Sheila Gregoire and “Uniquely Us” by Dr. Stephanie Holmes

I’ve had clients feel like they can’t work with me because of the divorce. I understand. It’s a valid concern.

Yet, I’m incredibly, unequivocally pro-marriage—when it’s healthy and godly and abuse-free. I will speak the truth about that always.

Sadly, I’ve heard about conversations between past friends, family, and colleagues that are questioning my ability to do what I’m doing. I know that my life brings up questions and it makes me mad and sad and annoyed.

They are only seeing what they see online, not what work and ministry I’m actually doing.

I’m still the same person, with the same love for Jesus and heart for people and call to ministry that I’ve always been. I’m still the faithful, loyal friend that they’ve known.

I’ve just been through the fire of recognizing hidden abuse, calling it out, rebuilding my strength, and stepping out in truth in a way that caused my world to blow up and change drastically.

Honestly, it makes me ask questions too.

I wonder about who really knows me well enough to understand how hard and complicated and deeply painful this all has been for me.

I wonder who is thinking what and saying what and believing what… and if things are being said, was that person ever really a friend to begin with?

So, I practice the “Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins.

I know that most people haven’t seen the tipping point moments, most people will never know or see.

Daily, I remember who I am in Christ and my deep, true, strong faith that my identity is found in Him alone. I know in whom I believe and I trust His plan for my life.

Learning and Introducing Myself

I’m thinking about re-entry, transition, language, future ministry while sitting in a new town, with a new job, new friends, and a new community.

All of which means a lot of introducing myself conversations that feel awkward and raw and challenging because I truly don’t know what to say.

I’m in this “no way through but through” season.

I find that introducing myself means struggling to know what to say, how much to say, and how much to explain.

Which makes my face turn red with the unknowns and awkwardness of it all for me internally.

It feels unfair.

There’s been so much loss.

Unfortunately, there are people who actually DO know the story and still have walked away. Friends and family who have seen and know more than most who still have made comments and judgements.

Quite frankly, it’s because of these things, through these things, in spite of these things that coaching is needed resource for women walking through the exact things that I’m facing.

Christian women in impossible situations, facing misunderstandings about abuse and the hidden side of life in a marriage that is not ok or healthy or good or Christ-like. They are struggling with how to tell their church, walk into their faith communities, and let people into the messy without slandering or sounding petty.

Women who are alone and without support, facing insurmountable odds financially, relationally, and emotionally.

Women who’ve been fighting for change for decades in a silent struggle to keep something going that is failing.

In that way, I’m thankful and grateful to join the ranks of bloggers, podcasters, writers, pastors, teachers, and people who are determined to change the message and bring solid, good guidance, counsel, and a fresh stance, with new Biblical understanding, of what a Christian marriage is and could be.

Women like Lysa Terkeurst who’ve walked through it all so publicly and bravely.

Learning Ezer Kenegdo

I’m determined to let my story bring change to what is deemed as suitable support, care, and help for women in ministry, like me, who are having to defend, explain, and fight for balanced and real support, care, and help.

These kinds of things are not ok. We have to stop saying and perpetuating them in evangelical, Christian circles and platforms.

Churches should be safe and leadership should be informed about abuse, what it looks like and what God says and how to respond in healthy, helpful ways that will not cause further harm to someone who is hurting.

I want my girls to see me introducing myself and bravely stepping into the new, safe, healthy, wonderful, and good of life.

I want them to see me struggle through the hard things, the theological and biblical things, the socially challenging things, and thrive. I want them to know that, with God’s enduring help, they can stand up, be strong, create change, and move out of that horrible, stuck feeling. I want them to always choose safe and healthy, strength and courage.

I want them to see me get well in every way, on every single page of my story.

I want to model ezer kenegdo in front of them so that they also rise up to be who they are made to be in Christ.

As Dr. Lenne Hunt says, “The path to healing the hearts of women has many steps. Among them is the walk back to who we are—picking up pieces of ourselves we have lost along the way or which perhaps we’ve never seen clearly due to the lies that our hearts have believed in moments of pain. We also work on understanding what has happened to us by exploring the story of our lives.” {grab the full book!}

She goes on to describe kenegdo, saying, “This is reflected in God’s use of the word kenegdo, which only occurs here in the creation of Eve. It is generally translated as opposite (in the sense that Eve stands in front of Adam, face-to-face with him), similar, and corresponding.”

Also describing ezer, Dr. Hunt writes, “This is the word ezer which means to aid, rescue, save; to be strong… When we put the two descriptors together as the Trinity does in the creation story, we get ezer kenegdo, an equal partner who joins Adam as a trusted ally and who has the strength, power, resources, and ability to help in times of battle.”

She continues, “Remember that an ezer kenegdo is a rescuer and protector, someone who lends strong aid in the midst of battle… Our challenge is to understand what this looks like for each of us… Choice calls on us to set our faces like flint and persevere through the cost we will pay. And yes, dear one, being an ezer can be a costly thing.”

For me, being an ezer kenegdo meant standing strong to rescue and protect myself and my family in a way that I never imagined.

It has been costly, regardless of my marital status.

When there is a power-over dynamic, entitlement, defensiveness, or harm, I can remember Dr. Hunt’s words. She explains, “The reality though is that you may be in a house divided. If that is the case, you may well be fighting battles on two fronts: within your marriage and coming against your marriage from external forces… Don’t underestimate God’s backing of you… Authority is rooted in identity. This is why you must know who you are.”

In that knowing of who I am, whose I am, I can slowly unwind the awkward of introducing myself.

I can clearly begin to articulate an introduction that is genuine and real.

I can stand in the strength of ezer kenegdo, rescuer and warrior, with equal standing in God’s calling on my life.

Hello, my name is Jenilee.

Sometimes, in introducing myself, that’s all I need to say.