Please Do Not Say These Things
Through life coaching, along with helping women in many areas of personal growth, goals, challenges, and healing, I’ve been working in the niche of women in destructive and harmful marriages or situations.
Precious women who are coming out of covert, manipulative, passive aggressive, defensive, and quietly destructive relationships. Women who are experiencing first hand the emotional, spiritual, verbal, and sometimes, narcissistic abuse of someone who is supposed to love and care for them.
Sometimes, this abuse has come from family systems or close relationships, but often it’s women who are married to someone with traits that not many other people see or know about. They are experiencing a side of their husband, their intimate partner, that is deeply harmful and destructive to their physical and mental health.
Because of my neurodiverse training, this often includes helping women who have been in a long-term neurodiverse marriages and are looking for answers and help for the harm that has been caused through undiagnosed and unsupported autism, ADHD or other mental health challenges.
These women know something is wrong, something is different, something is extremely hurtful, and they’re trying to figure out what that thing actually is. They’re wondering if it’s autism or narcissism or ADHD or childhood trauma or a combination of these things. They’re wondering what to do about it, and how to get out of it or stop it.
They’re hitting a brick wall, having prayed for years, asking for change, living in hope, trying all the things, and searching for the exact treatment or program that will fix the problems.
Quite often, these women are in Christian circles, not only fighting for their health and healing after realizing what they’ve been through, but also fighting for understanding and protection from their church communities.
They need someone to listen, see, help, and support.
Slowly, there are more and more resources coming available. There are researchers, doctors, therapists, and professionals who are desperately trying to get the information out, specifically in Christian circles, about abuse, the harm it causes, the bad marriage advice that is often given, the unhelpful things that are said from people who don’t understand abuse, and the needed care for trauma and abuse survivors.
There are ministries that are helping women, helping couples, and offering very specific help to emotional, verbal and narcissistic abusers, offering hope and healing treatments to abusers willing to go through the process long-term.
There are counselors who will patiently sit with a couple while trust and connection is rebuilt. This often means years of individual work before couples counseling is even possible.
Yet, with all of this around us, there is still so little knowledge, accountability, and understanding of this kind of abuse, harm, destruction, and confusion that impacts women who have been these relationships.
It’s why they stay quiet for so long, suffering alone, afraid to speak up.
I hear their stories. I listen to their swirling thoughts as they begin to unpack their hurt. It’s multilayered and complex.
Over time, many of these women have trauma therapists, support groups, online programs, and counselors on their healing teams.
I can come alongside that work as a life coach to offer support, next steps, resources, and a safe place to process what they’re seeing, learning, praying, and journaling.
As a coach, I can process the story with them, encourage more professional help where needed, and be a sounding board for growth, healing, health, and fresh starts.
As a coach, I hear all kinds of awful, harmful, insensitive, blaming, shaming, and even mean things that are said to these women who are trying so hard to fight for health.
Unfortunately, many of these women can’t afford the help they need so they rely on churches, pastors, and friends for counsel and advise. This often perpetuates the harm because of misunderstanding and misinformation around abuse.
I saw this youtube video from Kerry McAvoy, PhD and it made me think about my own list of things that I’ve heard said to women coming out of abusive relationships. Some things that have been said to me personally.
This is a list of things that are said, words that tend to only increase confusion, further gaslight the victim, misplace guilt, bring shame, and force the victim to feel like they need to explain, defend, argue and justify their story.
Please do not say these things:
1} Why are you just saying something now? How did you not know? You should have known.
2} They don’t seem that bad. I don’t see that in them.
3} There’s always two sides to the story. I’m sure they have their own perspective.
4} We just want to love and support both of you.
5} Maybe they were just having a bad day.
6} It takes two to tango, two people to make or break a marriage. Marriage is 50/50.
7} If it was that bad, why didn’t you leave sooner?
8} You’re being too dramatic, too sensitive.
9} Oh, that’s not as bad as what so and so went through. They had it so much worse.
10} You are called to forgive and forget, move on. Seventy times seven.
11} Well, at least they are a good dad, friend, pastor, teacher, provider…
12} I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that. You’re probably misunderstanding their intentions.
13} Be grateful that it wasn’t worse. At least he didn’t hit you.
14} You’ll regret leaving. It will only be harder for you and your kids. Have you even considered your kids?
15} Maybe you can keep living together and keep trying to make this work.
16} By speaking up, you’re causing implications for him and you might actually label him as an abuser. That seems harsh. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?
17} Have you tried counseling? Did you talk to your pastor?
18} You know, God hates divorce.
19} Just turn to God. Marriage was meant to make us holy, not happy.
20} That’s why counseling is bad. It makes you see things or learn things that are otherwise better left alone and in the past.
21} You sound so bitter and angry. You need to learn to let go.
22} Did you try more dates, more sex, more acts of service to your husband? Maybe you’re just not meeting his love language. Maybe he just needs more time. And, you can reach him by your love.
23} I’ve learned that lowering my expectations has made my marriage better. You could try lowering your expectations and take the pressure off for him to be what you need.
24} Marriage is a sacrifice. You don’t always get what you want.
25} He seems like he’s getting help and doing a lot of work to get better.
26} You just have to make a choice to see him in a better light.
27} It’s only considered domestic violence or abuse if he’s hit you. If not, you have to stay because your divorce wouldn’t be biblical.
28} Marriage is a covenant that can’t be broken.
29} We shouldn’t gossip or confront someone just based on your story. You don’t need to tell us everything.
30} If he hasn’t had an affair, there’s nothing you can do and you should keep trying to make it work.
31} Oh, my husband does that too sometimes. Men are just like that.
32} You might be reading into this a bit too much.
33} Aren’t you worried about your kids? You don’t want them to come from a divorced family, do you?
34} He is such a servant at church and he does so well at work. I can’t imagine that he could be that way at home.
35} That’s just how their family is. He grew up that way.
36} What are your motives for speaking up? Why are you doing this to him?
37} It sounds like you’re keeping a record of wrongs.
38} You should be more compassionate for his childhood trauma and understand his actions probably come from his own hurt or disability.
39} You’re taking this all too seriously.
40} Have you prayed about it?
I could just keep going and going. The things that are said from people who don’t understand trauma, covert abuse, long-term harm, and the confusion that comes from having a “nice” guy who isn’t so nice at home.
Abuse exists. It can be quiet, covert, and simply felt. It can be completely unseen by those outside. Things that seem small, over time, can multiply into thousands of small things that case great harm.
Little traumas that are said to be like death by a 1000 paper cuts.
Not everyone is as they seem. Not all abuse causes outward bruises that you can see.
The above things are said by people and systems that are supposed to care, love, comfort, help, and act on behalf of the hurting.
The anxiety, the hyperaware nervous system, the egg shells, the pressure of making the world ok for another person all the time, all day every day.
The brave courageousness that it takes for that women to speak up.
The unbelievable strength it takes to be 100% committed to the truth about her marriage, especially in a Christian marriage, and look at it with full honesty and transparency.
The deep faith it takes to step out and change the destructive dance that changes and brings health to her world.
The exhaustion that comes from trying to be heard.
The loneliness that comes from feeling like no one understands so she has to trauma dump again and again to feel somewhat heard.
Please don’t say these things to her. Please don’t make her feel like she’s causing harm by speaking up or that she is wrong for disrupting things for exposing an abusive situation or that she’s making you uncomfortable with her story.
Please don’t speak over her or tell her what to think or feel or do or pray.
Please don’t.
It’s time for Christian circles to wake up to the kind of covert abuse that causes this kind of destruction in a person’s health, well-being, and safety.
It’s time for a higher level of attention on verbal and emotional abuse and what it looks like in a Christian marriage. It’s time for a greater understanding of toxic traits in destructive relationships behind what you see at church or at work.
It’s time to get brave, get messy, get involved.
In complete transparency, I’ve said and taught some of these things. I’ve been that person, that pastor, that friend. Sadly, I just didn’t know enough to say what I was saying. I didn’t know how to hold a story.
But, over the past 6 years of my own healing journey, I’ve realized that my closed mind to learning about this kind of insidious abuse was a coping mechanism for my own trauma story. I didn’t want to learn about it because I knew it was all true for me too.
I didn’t want to see it because it would impact my own world.
In learning about it, I couldn’t look away or walk away. I had to speak up. I had to full stop, stop all of it. Stop covering, enabling, protecting, coping, and looking away. I had to stop the crazy and make the decision to obey God even in this. I had to stop and take the time to heal.
Now, I work with women who are in this situation, trying to speak up, trying to heal, trying to follow Jesus on a dark, uncertain, unknown path of recovery.
The things that are said, from pastors, leaders, church friends, and coworkers are often completely, unknowingly harmful. They don’t know what they don’t know.
Without opening their eyes, understanding, learning, and educating faith communities, these kinds of beliefs and words and phrases and advise will continue. This kind of harm will continue. A broken system and a terrible process will continue.
Systems and processes that protect the abuser and not the abused.
There is a better way.
Ministries – Helping Women who are hurting:
and helping the men who abuse them.
Christian Neurodiverse Marriage
When Narcissism Comes to Church
The research and resources are endless for this kind of abuse and harm.
The physical and mental harm that comes from it is horrendous and destructive.
The secondary harm that comes from people not knowing, saying these things, putting the burden of proof on the abuse victim, and making her carry the weight of the story is profound.
We can do better.
What are some things that have been said to you?
What are some resources that helped you learn, grow, and heal?
What has helped you become educated on this topic and do better in your community, work, family, and relationships?