When Abuse is Death by a Thousand Cuts

According to wikipedia, the concept of death by a thousand cuts was started as a form of torture and execution.

In modern day, this death by a thousand cuts can be used in psychology to refer to the way negative, harmful situations or actions may happen slowly and feel like many small paper cuts. These moments are subtle and can take place in the slightest increments that are often not perceived as wrong or objectionable.

These paper cut sized words, actions, behaviors, and looks carry such a heavy weight for the one experiencing the cuts, especially over an extended period of time. They’re hard to describe, hard to articulate to another person without sounding petty, dumb, or whiny.

This psychological phenomenon is painful, but easy to ignore, excuse, or put up with because it seems to small and hardly enough to make a big deal out of such tiny events or feelings.

I don’t often use wikipedia for any kind of research but for this post, the simple definition fit exactly. It described something I’ve experienced and many of the women I work with have also experienced—death by a thousand cuts.

There are such subtleties to emotional, psychological, narcissistic, and verbal abuse that go unacknowledged and fly under the radar of broader definitions of domestic violence or physical abuse.

Read: Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance

Unfortunately, it seems to be most under the radar in evangelical Christian churches, where leaders and organizations still require physical evidence of physical abuse as the proof of domestic violence before they’ll hear or try to understand. This proof is often required for divorce to be biblical or allowed or forgiven.

Watch: Does God Hate Divorce

I’ve seen it across the board in many denominations, fellowships, and organizations. I’ve heard it from leaders in many areas of ministry.

Yet, the Department of Justice defines it as, “Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.“

Then, there’s what God says about abuse.

Emotional/verbal abuse is real and it damages people and relationships.

Here is a sample of what God says about words.

Reckless words pierce like a sword (Proverbs 12:18)
Life and death is in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21)
Your insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. (Psalm 69:20)
The words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush (Proverbs 12:6)
With their words the godless destroy their friends (Proverbs 11:9)
Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. (Ephesians 4:29)

And we know that God cares about the abused and gives directions to get away from it.

Proverbs 2:12 “Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose words are twisted. These men turn from the right way to walk down dark paths, they take pleasure in doing wrong, and they enjoy the twisted ways of evil. Their actions are crooked, and their ways are wrong.”
Proverbs 3:5-7 “Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing for your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
Proverbs 4:14-15 “Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of the evil. Avoid it; do not go on it; turn away from it and pass on it.”

The drastic difference in definitions—social, biblical, governmental, religious—causes so much harm and deep secondary abuse to the one who is trying to speak up. It is lonely, hard, and painful to be the whistle-blower in a christian or church setting while enduring this kind of “death by a thousand cuts” abuse.

Generally, physical kinds of abuse are seen. They’re loud, angry, out-of-control, and leave visible results in the aftermath.

But, what about the physical implications of mental and emotional abuse? Women with unexplained autoimmune issues like MS, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, exercise intolerance, IBS, lupus, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and so much more? What is the physical cost of this kind of abuse?

Dr. David Hawkins writes, “Chronic marital stress is traumatic. It is an example of type 2 trauma, and it is reasonable to conclude that it can be associated with the development of complex PTSD. My patients who are “surviving” chronic marital stress are not doing well, medically speaking, but are often unaware of the source of their symptoms. They come to my office with many of the conditions previously noted, and they’re looking for a physical reason for their symptoms, having no insight into the very real possibility that their toxic marriage may be the root source of their medical problems.”

My own neurologist of six years commented, “The trauma and emotional abuse can most definitely cause fibromyalgia… I have seen this in my practice before, but am confident that you will get better. I’m grateful and proud that you were brave enough to stand up for yourself and your health.”

Is emotional abuse grounds for divorce? This author explains, “There seems to be some fuzziness on the meaning of covenant as well as the oft misquoted passage in Malachi 2 about divorce. Barbara Robert’s writes in her book Not Under Bondage, “God did not say “I hate divorce”, nor did he condemn all divorce. We should therefore stop using the slogan ‘God hates divorce’. If we still need a slogan, it would be better to say, ‘God hates treacherous divorce, but he does not hate disciplinary divorce’.”  In other words her extensive research shows that there are biblical grounds for divorce and one of them is abuse.”

Too often, these smaller, more subtle, very covert types of abuse have a traumatically real physical cost with wounds that go unseen.

What kinds of things make up paper cuts?

Making half the bed to prove a point

Violating privacy by watching for new downloaded apps or forwarding emails or going through your things

Leaving half of the dishes unwashed to passive-aggressively tell you something

Constant phrases like, “Is there a reason why…” or “You know I can’t…” or “Are you really not going to…”

Questioning, over and over, growing in intensity, feeling like an interrogation for something as small as an ice cream scoop or what kind of sunglasses you want to wear

Unbelievably long, emotionally-charged, physically-draining rants

Making the shower spray cold because you forgot to change it back to the hot setting for them one time

Needing praise for helping or they won’t help again, saying things like, “I did the laundry and you didn’t even notice or say thank you.”

A holding of the arm with an angry whisper for a forgotten item and not doing things their way

Rigidness that controls without saying a single word

Causing drama or a scene when it’s not about them at all

Being purposefully ignorant to get out of helping or doing or thinking

Refusing to communicate if you tell them no, you won’t go or do or say what they want

Breaking down a door to get to you, taking away your right to being alone

Refusing to engage until it’s almost too late causing a rush of hurry and flood of anxiety, chaos and frustration—cortisol through the roof

Embarrassing actions at events, knowing they are being disruptive or annoying

Embarrassing you to keep you from ever doing something again

Being spiritually demeaning and playing devil’s advocate as a favorite game

Hidden financial accounts, unknown loans, and a death-grip on marital funds

Orchestrating chaos and going against the grain so they aren’t asked to do that task again

Waiting and only doing things on their timeline

Creating situations to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells

Calmly criticizing and nicely judging

Using fear and anxiety to make things go how they want

Mental load that is exhausting with no offer to help or take some of the load

Physical need and entitlement that overpowers and overshadows tiredness, health concerns, or unhealed conflict

Defensiveness that is a strong, tall, solid, cement wall—impossible to break through for resolution or restoration or connection so you stop even trying

Demanding your presence while refusing to talk to you, look at you, or engage with you—such a depth of loneliness and suffering in that one

Bringing every problem or challenge up to them only to be somehow made to be the problem, be the challenge

Using guilt trips to change plans at the last minute or get people to do things

Purposefully taking a long time for something just to make you wait

Turning blame, responsibility, mental load back on you

Sounding amazing to everyone else—when you know it’s all a facade but can’t quite put your finger on why

You find yourself overcompensating for mishaps and making situations funny to keep from feeling what’s really happening so you can just keep trying to make their world run smoothly

This abuse is fantastically hidden while making every action, word, or look seem small, insignificant, accidental, and very much like a paper cut to ignore, move past, and endure.

How do you uncover something that you aren’t sure you’re seeing or feeling or experiencing?

This is why it’s often said that this kind of abuse is like a death by a thousand paper cuts. The paper cuts are small, hard to see, and easy to minimize. The cuts are surface-level but painful. They look like the tiniest thing but can bleed for a long time.

Sadly, the paper cuts rarely heal before another cut comes. It’s cut after cut after cut usually without any care or aid.

The cuts are so small and hard to see but they sting and hurt. The pain of each cut is deeply felt. The pain builds but life is going fast.

There isn’t ever time to stop and worry about a paper cut.

Truly, when is a good time to stop everything to take care of a paper cut? It’s just a paper cut.

The paper cuts multiply, day after day. The cuts need to be addressed, cleaned, and bandaged but it doesn’t seem like they matter at all.

Most of the time, no one sees them or feels them but you.

Over time, health declines with infection, open wounds, and fever. The once small cuts are causing major strain and pain.

There are so many scars, unhealed hurt, and deep wounds.

What was unseen becomes seen as things change.

It has to stop.

But stopping means letting go and saying no, watching a carefully constructed world start to fall apart.

For me, life was busy and I poured my heart and soul into ministry, home life, homeschooling, getting my credentials, working, doing all the admin and finances and reporting. All the networking, connecting, fundraising… but then it was all so much.

My doing made everything seem ok. But, it wasn’t making me ok.

I just kept going, not knowing what the cuts were, how they were happening, or what I was experiencing.

Until my counselor said, “This isn’t normal or ok. What’s happening to you is what we call death by a thousand paper cuts. The cuts, the harm has to stop so you can heal.”

Listen: When Loving Him Hurts

Read: In Sickness and Health

I could tell you hundreds of such paper cut stories. Mine. Women I’ve met. Women I’ve worked with. Women in the church, pastor’s wives, missionaries, doctor’s wives, and more. Unfortunately, it’s an untold story, unseen and unknown.

So many “death by a thousand cuts” stories.

They are the stories that made up my life until I started to notice that the paper cuts were real and they were being inflicted in purposeful, hurtful ways.

I learned that I could change the dance by changing the steps which forced the dance to shift.

I learned that I could set boundaries on myself, not them, to bring back my agency, independence and God-given personhood.

I could untangle the enmeshment of everything so that I could breathe again.

I could live before God in obedience to Him without also having to live for another person.

I had the basic right, even in a marriage relationship, to say, “No more.”

I needed a complete commitment to truth.

I could clearly demonstrate what I would do and what I wouldn’t do.

I could speak up even if it was misunderstood, diminished, or badly handled.

I could build health in every area of my life, regardless of the response.

I could require and insist that God was back at the center of my life, not another voice, another person, another institution… Only God’s voice and presence and way.

Read: The Marriage You Want

I could dig deep into God’s Word and embrace his heart for the hurting, the oppressed, the neglected, and the abandoned. I could trust that when God fights for the neglected and alone, it meant me too.

I embraced the truth that my story doesn’t negate my call. What I’ve been through doesn’t challenge my ability to help others, nor can it stop me from all that God has for me.

In fact, the journey that I’ve been on actually strengthens, equips, and enables me to stand in strength, hold firm against injustice, and speak up for those like me.

I can advocate, educate, and inform.

I can shine a light on what is hidden, unseen, unknown, and even protected.

The paper cuts heal.

The discernment grows.

The life returns.

A few things to know:

1} You won’t know how intentional or defensive or unwilling to change someone is until you start practicing saying no, stopping, changing the dance, doing things differently, speaking up, and setting boundaries. If they ask and you tell them about the paper cuts and they care, make changes, get help, and truly repent, that’s beautiful and has the hope needed to bring healing. If you speak up and they intensify, continue, defend themselves and their actions or dig in their heals to their rightness, that’s not a good sign and professional help is absolutely necessary. If they’re continuously entitled to their way, their behavior, their desires, it’s going to require more boundaries, more separation, more support.

If neurodiversity is involved, it can be really challenging to know the difference and having trained helpers is vital. If you suspect that, read: Uniquely Us

Other resources to help: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and So, You’ve Been Called a Narcissist

Visit: The Marriage Recovery Center

2} Share your story with someone who can hold it well and help you with next steps. Remember that it comes out pretty messy at first. It’s difficult to describe and even harder to call it abuse when you haven’t been punched or there wasn’t an affair or some big event to point to but rather little paper cuts over many years to explain. It can even be hard to know if the problem is you or the other person. It’s all so confusing until you start to untangle it with someone else.

Special reminder: Journal, record, list, and keep notes. Put it all on the table in front of you so you can deal with reality and no longer live on what could be, what you hope could be, or what you pray might be. You can’t stay in relationship with potential that refuses to step into that potential.

You can only deal with what is.

3} Do your own work, the internal, quiet work, that allows you to gain your strength, find your voice, remember who you are in Christ, and foster joy that brings healing. You might jump into counseling or coaching or a group or a Bible study. You might start voraciously reading and watching youtube videos and listening to podcasts. You can’t do this work for someone else. They have to want to do their own work and you have to let them make that decision for themselves.

I promise you’ll know if they’re doing the work and actually being repentant in a way that can start the process of restoration.

Trust is built over time and brings changes in patterns, behaviors, words, and ways of being. Trust is felt.

Regardless, do your own work. A coach can really help with this work and point out areas for growth and healing.

4} Stay brave. Digging your way out of situations like this is excruciatingly scary, exhausting, and relentless. Stay brave. Hold steady. Get help. Hold on to Jesus. and keep practicing the new dance steps until they become easier and more natural. Why is it so scary? The process induces fear and creates instability. It upsets life and shakes foundations. Bravery is a must. You set yourself up to lose networks, relationships, understanding, and comfort. It’s terrifying.

5} Rebuild and restore. Give yourself permission to rebuild. Let yourself. Ask Jesus to restore. Have faith that the hand of God is holding you in this new space and with fresh hope. Allow him to restore your soul, feed you in the presence of your enemies, and guide you through the valley of the shadow of death—the death of a marriage, relationships, a career, and life as you knew it. God is building and restoring something brand new, something healthy, safe, and whole.

Your “death by a thousand cuts” story can end.

There is hope and healing.

You aren’t alone.

You’re seen, heard, loved, and held.

Do you have this in your story?