When You Recognize A Trauma Response

I was sitting at the dining room table, feeling lost, angry, unheard, and extremely frustrated.

I’d been feeling this way for the past few weeks and wondering why I end up in this same place, feeling the same thing, living the same story. It stirs up a fight in me that feels ferocious in it’s intensity. It makes me feel hurried and flustered. Sitting at the table, I was getting angry as my heart rate went up.

I felt crazy and out of control.

What is this feeling?

I was anxious, worried sick, and needed something to do while I waited for a response. The girls had a diamond art project of a bright pink horse sitting on the table so I started adding little pink diamonds to the canvas in front of me.

Waiting. Feeling. Settling. Sensing my heart slow as it dawned on me…

This isn’t just enneagram 6, researching, finding, questioning. This is a trauma response.

I’ve been hitting up against this response repeatedly over the past few months, yet not fully recognizing the cause.

Trauma. Hurt. Harm. By leaders, organizations, and my own marriage.

Years of living within multiple systems that were a need-to-know basis only, a slow drip of information to those under them, those with less power or say so.

Decades of being blown off, pacified, only being told what they think I need to know or should know. Vague answers that leave me blind-sided, unprepared, and defeated.

Months of projects. Me asking the questions and not getting answers. Moving ahead on all the white lies of being deflected and pushed off and then feeling the full impact of doing the whole thing incorrectly or incompletely, the feeling of failure and lost hope.

Organizations, systems, and people that I deeply loved and wanted to partner with for my life and my career. I was willing to give my life, spend my time, offer my talents, accommodate in every way.

But instead, it was years of being in the dark on important things. Years of being allowed to do the work, carry the weight, the expectation to work from fluffy, uninformed, purposefully blurry answers.

I had the responsibility of all executive function only to be working from manipulated answers, bad information, and false advice.

So many times, I thought, “It must be me. I’m asking too much.”

So often giving the benefit of the doubt. “Surely they didn’t know this or they would have told me so I could make an informed decision.”

Then, finding out that they did know. They knew.

They knew the plan wouldn’t work, they let me move forward anyway.

They knew it would be a dangerous place, yet they took me there anyway.

They knew French school would hurt my girls and didn’t say anything.

They knew the traffic would be horrible but let me choose that route.

They knew I’d never be allowed to go to the conference but let me spend hours and days on it anyway.

They knew I was right but launched accusations and unfiltered criticism. Those I went to for help, minus a precious few, did nothing.

They knew that the timing was wrong but allowed me to keep going anyway.

They knew the thing I wanted or needed wouldn’t work, heard me ask the right questions, and blew me off as if none of it mattered. They watched me move forward, talk about it, make plans around it, all while knowing it wouldn’t happen.

It’s true. It didn’t matter to them. It mattered to me. But my voice was blocked, diminished, and buried. What I wanted, needed, or asked didn’t matter at all.

They saw the bigger picture of their own plan but even as I questioned for more of the details, they watched me work from limited answers.

Finding out that the plans I made or the thing I did or the way I did something was wrong – even though I asked for help, counsel, wisdom, and direction from those who were supposed to lead.

I have the emails. The conversations. The receipts.

I asked for help and was blown off. I needed leadership to step in. They did not.

I had information and knew the truth but they put ministry, money, organization, and their wants above it all. No accountability or responsibility for the way things went down. On repeat.

This need-to-know, slow drip of information for years has been incredibly destructive.

Broken trust, wounded nervous system, physical illness, deep hurt, lack of safety in places and with people that should have protected and helped.

No acknowledgement of impact. Retracted apologies. More vague answers. Restoration processes without true repentance or restitution.

It was happening in work, ministry and marriage.

Finding myself tricked, blind, and feeling stupid because I didn’t know what they knew.

Finding myself in danger, wrong, and failing because I didn’t have the right information.

A phone slid across the table, an embarrassing meeting, a project returned. Led to a place I didn’t want to go, doing something I didn’t want to do, the realization of being manipulated again.

Ruined socks, a dangerous hike, a broken promise, a veiled threat.

Being told, “This is just how it works.” and “This is just how I am.” and “You knew this when you signed up.”

But it shouldn’t work that way. That’s not how you should be… grow up. Lead. I did NOT know the whole story.

Unanswered emails. Vague responses. Half truths. Told one thing only to find out it was actually another thing.

This is why. This is why I am bumping up against this trauma response so often.

Systems that don’t answer questions, purposefully keep people in the dark, require blind obedience or acquiescence while allowing those below them to feel the full impact and bear the weight of the consequences.

A decision that can’t be undone that favors them because they held the cards and the power.

This is why this pulls out the fight in me. The “this is NOT acceptable” in me.

The flood of emails and texts and questions. The indecision, back and forth, uncertain and shaky blindness… this is why. This is the increased heart rate, the burning need to find out more right now. It’s exhausting.

I will not be left in the dark or dripped information any more. I will not be manipulated or harmed by the secrets and lies of those who are protecting themselves, protecting money, protecting organizations and systems.

I won’t make a decision without having the information.

This is why I walked away. This is why I was done.

It isn’t sustainable to keep bumping up against the trauma response long-term. I have to recognize the impact again. It is my work to pray, to heal, repair, rebuild, and remind my nervous system that it’s safe now.

I have to slow the moments, see the trauma response, and live right now, not back then.

Regardless of what they do, I have to allow Jesus to be the safety my heart needs. Ultimately my trust and hope is in Him because He holds the power, the information, the plan for my life.

He is good. He is near. He is leading and guiding and helping and providing.

I’m breathing and living and loving what I do. I’m still recovering and healing. I see the trauma response, feel the fight, and choose to slow the moments down.

That’s what it was that day, sitting at the table. That’s the why.

The part of me that was reacting was the part that has been left in the dark and hurt. But because of all the work, all the healing, all the love of God for me, that part can let go of needing to know or getting all the answers or fighting the system.

I can let the other parts of me, the ones who know I’m safe, step in and drive the bus.

He is gentle. He is loving and kind. He is light and truth.

“The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.” Isaiah 58:11

I’m still in processes that feel vague and unknown. There are still answers being held and things I don’t know. I’m still being told, “You aren’t allowed to know that anymore.” or “You have time before you need to know that.”

It’s ok. I’m ok. The part of me that needs to know understands now why she needs to know.

Slow the moment. Stop the fight.

Rest in the safety of now, held in His mighty, truthful, capable hands.