The Subtle Signs of Healing

It was 5am and I hadn’t made coffee yet. I turned on a lamp, put on my scarf and coat and boots so that I could take Brisket, our 7 month old poodle puppy, out for his first walk of the day.

Everything was fairly normal until I turned on the light, saw his crate and knew that this was going to be a morning to remember.

His crate was a mess and cute, little Brisket looked at me with eyes that said, “Sorry, mom.”

I paused and stared back. Oh, dear Betsy.

He’s had tummy troubles since we got him and it’s been a bit of a challenge to figure out what settles best for him. Obviously, what we did the day before did not settle his tummy. {Vet check and stool samples were all good, thankfully!}

Check my brain back in… I knew he needed to go out so I put on his leash, ignoring the mess for now, and out we went, feeling very much like Scarlet O’hara saying, “I’ll deal with that tomorrow.”

Yet, I knew that I had to deal with it today, a day that was already very full.

Managing a new puppy, my health issues, doctors’ appointments, work schedules for me and the girls, and my school schedule has been very interesting. Daily, it all came with an undercurrent of wondering if I can do this, an anxiety that I’ve taken on more than I can handle.

After a few years of intensity, diagnoses, counseling, psychologists, coaching, reading every book that I could get my hands on about mental health, searching for help, asking for help, sharing a painful story, and wading through what was working, what was finished, and deciding on my path of healing for the next years of my life… it had been all-consuming.

Praying, seeking God, digging into the word multiple times a day, hanging on the promises of God, opening up my understanding of scripture, and developing a deep communion with him in a way that I’d never experienced before… it was life-saving for me.

I took a deep breath, walked Brisket, and came back to the apartment with a plan. I could do this.

In that moment, I felt a subtle sign of healing. I could do this!

Many of the all-consuming things were settled and done. I was healing and growing and moving forward. I was coming out of a fog of craziness to start seeing clearly and noticing moments of healing.

I knew a bath for Brisket was first. I woke up Abby and asked her to blow him dry. {Yes, we have a special dog hair dryer for poodles.} While she did that, I attacked the crate and the mess so I could get laundry going and a clean crate for a clean dog.

Clean the tub. Clean the floor. Clean the area around the crate.

It’s 6:30am. Abby needed to get back to bed and I needed to prep for two sessions that morning before a drive farther north for a doctor’s appointment.

I’ve been putting off all doctor’s appointments for too long. So now, they’ve all piled up into a few months of all the medical things.

In the midst of all of this, Annalise had a flat tire. She was busy filling her tire and going to open the coffee shop while I was cleaning up puppy messes. I had to somehow get her car to the tire place while she was at work so that it could be done for her to get around that day.

Call a friend for help. Car settled.

Oh, Brisket. Call another friend to walk him and feed him while Abby is sleeping {she works nights} and Annalise and I are working. We literally plan for Brisket one day at a time right now.

8:30am. Pick up Annalise’s car, go to the tire place, drop it off, get a ride back to my car… all before a 9am session with a new client. Make sure there’s a plan for pick up and drop off for Annalise and her car.

4 hours of intense things and I’d barely started my day.

Yet, amazingly, I felt fine. Great, actually. In my element… who was this girl?

Oh, I remember her. The one who could do things and handle things and manage a lot at one time.

She’s here. She’s back. She’s healing. Her brain is healing while overwhelm subsides and she is able to think, do, act, and be herself.

God is so, so good. He’s so faithful.

I went about my day, finishing sessions, getting three biopsies at the dermatologist, working for a few hours at a coffee shop, checking in on the girls and on Brisket, and having dinner with a friend of almost 30 years.

We sat looking at each other, talking about how our hair was greying in similar ways, sharing our healing stories, and feeling deeply proud of how we’ve both faced down challenges and come out on the other side.

I drove an hour home, in the dark {also a huge win}, feeling thankful and grateful, feeling the subtle signs of healing.

Physically, I’m still climbing a mountain. I have an upcoming MRI to again check on my brain, ongoing trigeminal nerve issues, fatigue, and fibromyalgia pain. The dermatologist, a mammogram, and lots of labs… still fighting to exercise or even be able to handle physical strain of any kind.

The impact of relational and situational stress, some complex stress, traumatic stress… it’s all had the impact on me that my doctors have been warning about for years.

But, I’m healing.

The subtle signs of healing that I’m noticing are a new ability to handle good stress. That’s HUGE.

I’m noticing that I can think through a big day and implement things without needing a nap before I start.

My nervous system is recovering as I listen to my body, trust myself, and feel fully safe in my home and in my surroundings.

I’m breathing and walking more and ending my days with more of a normal tired and not an “I’m dying” tired.

I’m breaking through cognitive dissonance by unraveling hurtful words, unwriting past patterns of coercive control, ending thought processes that have caused harm, and allowing myself to come back to life by having fun, making mistakes, laughing at myself, watching a puppy play, making new friends, LOVING my coaching work, and continuing to stretch my brain with new topics and learning new skills.

I’m advocating. That’s such a feeling of strength, endurance, and resilience. But, there’s so much more to do.

I can see passive aggressive, manipulative, criticalness, and destructive behavior from a mile away… and I steer clear. Thank you Leslie Vernick and Conquer!

I take naps when I need to or want to… but that doesn’t happen as often these days.

The understanding of my girls through all of this has been precious and healing. They see and know and get it. I don’t have to explain and they often comment on how much they love seeing me come alive in healing.

As I start to share my story in healthier, less trauma-dumping ways, I feel safe to share more and write more. In coaching, that translates to being able to hear stories, be fully present with someone because I know exactly what they are feeling, saying, and sensing in their own life.

So many subtle signs of healing.

I don’t feel close to tears.

I can dream and plan and think about the future without overwhelm.

I have a very clear sense of boundaries, knowing what I will do and what I won’t do.

I have moments, like this day with Brisket, that I know I can do it.

I’m trusting God in completely new ways for provision, help, and protection.

I can make decisions and feel peace, regardless of outcome.

I don’t feel a need to justify, argue, defend, or explain {JADE} my story or choices.

I try softer, remember that I haven’t learned this yet, and let them.

I’m going back to school for a new degree. And, I have the brain power to do it. Miraculous signs of healing.

The story is still in progress. The healing is still happening. Growth, knowledge, and understanding are still needed.

But, I’m healing. On the busiest and most challenging days, I’m seeing the signs of healing, feeling them, and realizing again how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned, and how proud I am of myself for stopping, saying no, and moving forward in faith.

It’s been a faith like walking on water, holding my hand out, and keeping my eyes on Jesus every step of the way, a baby faith, a tiny mustard seed.

All with a trust that God is at work in this story, my calling still valid, my future secure.

All in these subtle signs of healing.

*You can read more of the story here: Not in a Million Years