Why Leaving Isn’t Simple: Understanding the Slow Exit from an Abusive Marriage

I just poured another cup of coffee. I needed something warm to put my hands on as I prayerfully process and write this post.

You might need some coffee because I have a feeling this is a long one.

These words have been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I’ve had my notes, slowly adding words and thoughts while also feeling the pressure to put this topic into words that bring awareness with compassion and grace.

How do you write a post about something you never in a million years thought you’d experience?

How do you approach a topic so full of pain, so misunderstood, so judged?

I have my own story, of course. But it is more than just myself carrying the shame, hurt, and intensity of an unwanted divorce. For women that I talk to and work with, the stories remind me how needed this conversation is in faith circles.

When, after a long marriage, you find yourself divorced, it is actually heart-breaking and devastating to live in the aftermath.

You’ve walked through the death of a marriage, as Lysa Terkeurst calls it, and stand alone, misunderstood and shamed on the other side.

Friends take sides, mean things are said, gossip flares, and previous networks and circles close completely.

Everyone has an opinion, comment, thought, and “should” for you to do.

People say the most awful things without knowing the full story or actually listening to the story with the intent to understand the difficulty or how hard you’ve tried, cried, prayed and wrestled.

Read: Life Saving Divorce – Forbes data on divorce

If you’re in ministry or missions, the backlash is intense, sad, and challenging to process. Going through a divorce in this context is like stepping in front of a speeding train—knowing the impact will be devastating and swift.

Often women have not only walked through a destructive marriage, mostly on their own, but they have painful ministry experiences and toxic leadership stories as well.

Why Leaving Isn’t Simple

“If it was so bad, why did you stay married for so long?”

This same question can get asked or spoken in a variety of ways.

• They seemed so happy… why are they divorced now?
• Why didn’t she say anything sooner?
• I would have never guessed anything was abusive or destructive.
• I just don’t see that.
• If there were problems, why didn’t she get help?
• It can’t be that bad if she stayed married to him for so long.

The answer is complicated, layered, and hard to describe.

Listen: Abuse, Autism, Ministry and Divorce – my podcast with Neurodiverse Christian Couples

We stay in these marriages for years with hopeful belief and genuine love. We stay when it isn’t pretty or fun. We hold on and hold on until we finally have words for what is happening and courage to name it as abuse. We stay while we call out bad behavior from the person we love the most, the person who is supposed to be our person for life, the person who insists on their rightness and innocence.

If you aren’t sure what emotional and verbal abuse in a marriage looks like, please listen to this analogy about playing tennis.

I’m exhausted just thinking about living that story and the impact it’s had on me personally. The back and forth game of it all is part of why leaving isn’t simple or easy. Walking off the court is crippling but necessary.

I hear it weekly from women who are in the process of ending the game.

Understanding the Slow Exit from Abusive Marriages

1} For many of these couples, they got married young. Both partners are naive, immature, and just starting the journey of adulthood. At this point, you don’t know what you don’t know and many women are not aware of abusive behaviors other than physical abuse. They don’t know the signs to look for and there’s an assumption that you’ll mature and grow together as a couple with age, experience, and spiritual growth.

What do you do when your husband never acknowledges or owns or admits that the immature behaviors are destructive and abusive? What do you do when he says this is how he is, you knew that when you married him, and he isn’t going to change now?

What do you do when after 20+ years, they double down on their stance, even in the face of being called out by a top professional in emotional abuse in the nation because of defensiveness, intensity, and a refusal to change?

What do you do without true repentance?

2} Our faith structures and beliefs around marriage and relationships set women up for the long haul in a destructive marriage. We believe the best in people. We forgive and forget. We don’t keep records of wrong. We don’t gossip. We believe that God can do the impossible, change minds and hearts, heal what’s broken, and we never give up hope. Christian marriage books remind us that marriage is to make us holy, not happy. These books burden wives with the responsibility for his physical needs, emotional regulation, care, and happiness.

We faithfully persevere in the face of bad behavior, turning the other cheek again and again, trying not to go to bed angry. After all, we don’t believe in fighting, arguing and we especially don’t believe in divorce. No matter what.

We strive to serve our husband with excellence and be the Mary and the Martha in every situation. We don’t want to speak badly of our husband so we don’t share what’s happening. We fear being wrong, speaking unfaithfully, or shining a negative light on anyone. We hold to Proverbs 31 with all the love and expectancy of maybe earning a happy, healthy marriage. Every Christian book on marriage promises us, challenges us, and pressures us to keep going and not make any waves. Keep the peace and keep him happy.

What do you do when all of that believing just brings deep hurt, exhaustion, frustration, and causes physical harm to our emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational health? What do you do when he’s happy but you’re dying inside under the pressure of it all? What do you do when this kind of marriage works perfectly for him but is absolutely detrimental and horrible for you?

What do you do when they don’t care that the marriage is harming you? What if they tell you to stop being negative, stop seeing them negatively, and that being negative was never their intent so it shouldn’t matter anyway?

Books to read with research to back them up: The Great Sex Rescue and The Marriage You Want

3} Once we start to notice bad behavior or immaturity, we want to help. We fully believe in the potential of the person we’ve married so we just keep trying harder to make it better. We try to talk about it, work on it, get help for it, read about it, and hope, with everything we have, that they’ll change. We pray for them to step into their calling as a husband, fulfill God’s call on their life, step into the potential they have to be great fathers, husbands, and leaders. We ask them to pick up some of the mental and emotional load of marriage and family. We beg them to hear us. We cry only to be told that tears don’t “work” on them as if our tears are wrong, our hope is invalid, our belief in them is condescending.

Yet even still, we have the faith that God will move, change will come, and our marriage will be healthy one day. We hang on, never giving up, praying that God will strengthen us and help us through.

What do you do when they refuse to take ownership of behaviors or words? What do you do when you keep praying and persevering and begging? What do you do when the emotional load is making you emotionally and physically sick?

4} He’s a great guy and everyone loves him and maybe, I’m just crazy for feeling so hurt, lonely, harmed, and abused. Surely, this isn’t just me. Maybe it is just me. Maybe this is how all marriages are? How can he be so nice to other people and so harsh, intense, passive aggressive, manipulative, and blaming towards me? How can he sound calm and nice while also being critical and mean? How can he be so helpful at church or work but never help at home? Why are conversations so difficult?

Why does it feel like cooperation or collaboration always ends up being on me to do the mental, emotional and often physical work of tasks, parenting, house, and ministry? This constant back and forth, not sure if it’s him or it’s you, feeling so confused and unsure over months and years is part of what makes this all so complicated. The cognitive dissonance is traumatic and inescapable without help.

What do you do when he isn’t a great guy in ways that are covert and hard to see? What do you do when the trauma is felt more than seen? What do you do when they refuse to step up, carry their own load, and do their own work? What do you do when the bad starts to outweigh the good?

What do you do if people actually did know and did see it? What if they didn’t call it out, didn’t ask if you were ok, nor did they hold him accountable even when they recognized dysfunction and the out of balance roles and responsibilities? That’s a whole other post.

Podcast: When Loving Him Hurts – my podcast with Leslie Vernick

5} Then, you feel stuck in a lose/lose situation. God hates divorce and you would never want to break up your family. Divorce is that word you never say, never consider, never speak. We take pride in long-lasting, faithful, loyal, Christian marriages. Kids need both parents. God hates divorce and to even think about it is evil… right? There is a stigma around broken homes, broken marriages, and the kids who come from these homes. I don’t want that for my kids or my legacy or my ministry. A divorce will discount me forever in the eyes of everyone.

So, we stay. We toughen up, keep going, push through, do all the things, and keep praying for strength. We smile, paint it perfect, and do what’s expected. All while knowing we’re enabling someone to continue to be as they are, behave as they want to, and do what they always do. It’s way easier to just make it better for them then to say no, push back, or deal with their immaturity and passive aggression.

Yet, what if staying in the same space with him is hurting you or your family? What if it’s impossible to stay well? What if everything within you is screaming for separation from someone who feels entitled, with escalating intensity, to your body, soul, brain, and energy?

What does God really think about the hurting, the abused, the broken? Does God value marriage over health and safety? Is marriage the idol to worship rather than confronting sin, requiring accountability, and standing in truth?

What if God hates the behavior that leads to abuse and divorce way more than he does the actual divorce? What if vows are broken long before any legal action is taken, a marriage is on hospice way before we recognize what is happening?

What about abandonment, neglect, and lack of responsibility for harm? What does God say about that?

6} Keep believing. There’s still hope… I just haven’t found the right help yet. If we just find the right professional, find out why it’s so hard to communicate, get the right diagnosis for the problem, or read the right book and do the right marriage retreat and go on more dates and start to pray together… what if I lower my expectations so that I’m not so disappointed, so needy, so sad. If I expect less, then it will all be okay. We just haven’t found the right advice or marriage counselor or podcast yet. We will. I’m sure of it. It might take another 10 years, but we’ll find it. Lower expectations further and further. Be happy and do all the things.

But, what if multiple counselors can’t work with the entitled, intense, defensive, argumentative man that you married? What if the abuse groups and accountability partners and the tests and the professionals and the marriage intensives fail? How long do you keep pushing, finding help, asking for help, researching help, and doing so much work to fix something so broken?

What happens when they think they’re doing personal work but nothing really changes in the reality of your relationship? What do you do when multiple professionals counsel you that he is refusing to own or be responsible, that his defensiveness is just as strong as when they first started?

What if the expressions of empathy and words of apology are just homework from a group, not real heart change?

7} The fishbowl of ministry and missions is very real and beyond challenging to escape. This greatly contributes to the slow exit because people are watching. It matters what they think and say and believe about our marriage. Stopping the whole thing means blowing up our lives in every way possible. Everything is impacted by this decision to stay or go. Work, finances, ministry, reputation, health insurance, kids’ schooling, and even where we live. It’s all heavy and public and big. It’s disappointing people and letting down a system that asks you to prioritize marriage over everything else. And, yes, they do ask that.

What if I do blow it up? What if I choose truth, obedience, accountability, and righteousness? What if I stop lowering expectations, enabling abusive behavior, giving in to entitlement, and say a hard, fast no?

What if people misunderstand, misinterpret, gossip, believe what they want, or judge harshly?

What if I break the fishbowl? What if I walk the high road, the narrow road, the call of God even when it leads where I never wanted to go?

8} I stand before God alone one day. This one gets to the very basis of it all. We do not stand before God together, as a couple, a unit. I will answer God for my life. I will stand before him on my own for how I lived and how I walked out my calling. I will not be able to answer for another person or make excuses for why I was too exhausted, too emotionally drained to do what he had called me to do. I won’t be able to list all the ways I fulfilled someone else’s call or how hard I worked to make something unhealthy survivable.

I have to live in holy fear of the God I love and serve with my whole heart. I refuse to live in fear of man.

What if it takes decades to reach that kind of honesty before God? What if it means wrestling and wrestling with the choice to walk away or keep the cycle going? What if he’s asking you to stay, to try, to pray, to push for health, to require accountability, and to hold the standard for a time?

What if you need the time to do everything possible and exhaust every option and give every opportunity for reconciliation?

What if, after all of that. God asks you to stop, to lay it down and walk away?

9} My kids are watching and want them to see strength. I want my kids to know the red flags of abuse, the deep impact of toxic family systems through generations, the courage to call it out and the strength to say no more. I want them to see me living life healthy and whole, not sick, abused, and weak.

This might be an unpopular idea but divorce isn’t the end of the world for kids in abusive families. Divorce doesn’t determine their future or mark them for life. This decision is often the key to peace, safety, and hope. It’s often the way out of anxiety, pressure, unspoken fears, and unknown impact.

In these situations, can we stop praying against the spirit of divorce or act like it is a generational curse? Can we stop assuming? Can we take an honest look and see that by divorcing, one might actually be ending a generational pattern of unhealthy, abusive behavior and how it impacts their children?

What if divorce is actually a gift and not a curse? What if sometimes, divorce is a God-given way out? What if this really is a pathway to peace and safety?

10} Making the decision to confront abusive marriages means a full, 100% commitment to truth. It means no longer trying to keep things positive, holding up something that is false, or pretending everything is ok. It means believing what you see, trusting what you feel, and doing the hard work of walking in faith.

It means speaking truth no matter what. When they show you who they are, believe them.

It means letting boundary lines fall in pleasant places, believing that God loves the hurting, trusting his plan, and holding on to him when everything else falls apart. It means following God’s instruction for how to be wise in the face of fools and their foolish behavior. It means a full commitment to truth, especially in marriage.

What if speaking truth means highlighting abuse? What if it is walking away? What if speaking truth escalates abuse and makes bad behavior more destructive? What if saying no, holding a boundary, making bold changes and taking big growth steps means ending a long marriage?

What about marriage…

I hold a very, very high regard and deep respect for marriage. I believe it is God-designed, precious, and a wonderful representation of God’s love.

Equally true, I have had to reconcile that sometimes, divorce is necessary and reasonable and right. Sometimes its a path forward and the healthiest option.

Even if the wrestling and negotiating and trying and praying takes decades, divorce might be the answer for a situation filled with wrong, harm, abuse, and destructive behavior.

Regardless of how long the process takes to make a decision, it might be what is needed for the wrestling to stop, for peace to come, and for healing to begin.

Intimate partner abuse is everywhere in our churches, families and ministries. There are abusive marriages around us that we can’t see.

We have to learn how to respond, what to do, and how to help.

We have to get better at understanding abusive marriages, listening, and showing care.

We have to recognize that abusive behavior can be covert, hidden, hard to see, and extremely resistant to change. The women who walk this road with a man they love have been through a battle physically and mentally and spiritually.

We have to do better to help them.

We have to guard against criticizing, jumping to conclusions, or declaring judgement. They need support, help, resources, and love. They did not leave quickly or impulsively or without weighing every single option.

We have to see that divorce isn’t the end of ministry, of serving, or of living life with Jesus. It isn’t the red letter that we make it out to be or the determining factor of someone’s ability to work, serve, or be a part of the great commission.

Even though women need time to heal and space to grow, they are still vibrant and valuable.

One last piece of this very difficult look at abusive marriages is that divorce doesn’t end all of the crazy.

Unfortunately, the abuse continues

For women leaving abusive marriages, everything in their lives has been turned upside down, often without any support. They are trying to co-parent with someone who can’t communicate, cooperate or collaborate peacefully. They’re possibly battling incredibly toxic lawyer and legal situations with mounting legal bills from high-conflict divorces. These bills last long after the papers are signed.

If they do get financial support from their ex-husband, it’s often garnished by the state and ends as soon as the youngest turns 18. Even women who’ve worked from home, homeschooled and/or served in ministry right along their husbands for decades quickly find out that their husband saw it all as their own and you have no right to any of it.

If you did get marital funds, they either feel they lovingly gave it or that you stole it—depending on their mood or who they’re talking to about it. They will go on to legally make sure that you have no options to ask for any more help in the future.

You and your kids are on your own which means the financial abuse continues long after the divorce. The emotional abuse and manipulation continues through holidays, tax seasons, decisions, and milestones.

Divorce definitely has a cost. A very high cost. Of course God hates this for his children.

But as my counselor stated once, it’s the cost of freedom and peace. Divorce from abusive marriages is a valid plan laid out to help the abandoned, neglected and abused find safety.

As believers, we have to take a new look at this whole topic while trying to better understand why it takes so long and is so challenging to navigate.

We have to take a full look at scripture and the God who loves these women desperately. We have to stop shaming, gossiping and discounting women who’ve fought a battle they can’t describe. We have to come beside them in new ways and offer support to show love and care regardless of their marital status.

We have to stop questioning what took so long and start admiring the strength it took to face and slowly exit something so gut-wrenchingly destructive.

Sadly, as I said from the beginning, this isn’t just my story.

Can we change the conversation around abusive marriages and offer hope, help, and safety?

Can you change this for the one woman you know who’s going through this today or has been through this in the past?

As I finish writing, my coffee is long cold. The words are laid out. The post is written.

The conversation is started.

_{**This post is written about abusive marriages and is not meant to cover all divorce situations. According to the United Nations, “Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith or class. Victims of domestic abuse may also include a child or other relative, or any other household member. Domestic abuse is typically manifested as a pattern of abusive behavior toward an intimate partner in a dating or family relationship, where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim. Domestic abuse can be mental, physical, economic or sexual in nature. Incidents are rarely isolated, and usually escalate in frequency and severity. Domestic abuse may culminate in serious physical injury or death.}