Recovery and Healing: How long does it take?

“But shouldn’t I be better now? Shouldn’t I be over this?”

“I’ve been working through this for months (or years)… how much longer until I have…”

I get asked these questions quite often, especially for those coming through a destructive situation, a toxic environment, or a season of burnout.

When you go through intense emotions for an extended period of time, when your nervous system has been on high alert for too long, it can take just as long or twice as long to slowly heal from the intensity.

After the death of a marriage, a big job transition because of unhealthy leadership, a family conflict, a messy church story, or a relationship with betrayal or harm, it can seem like you’ve been in a time of recovery and healing forever.

There may be childhood or family of origin things that still seem to impact you or triggers from a past relationship that quickly move you from happy to sad, content to angry.

You could be healing from one thing while still experiencing a host of other things.

You could be realizing there is a whole internal family system that argues, confuses, fights, helps, and rescues. On one hand you refuse to engage with that one person again but then, on the other hand, you just can not stop yourself from responding or reacting once your emotions get on high alert.

It could be that there’s still stories of abuse, control, or damage that still need to be told, processed, named, and healed. The stories, explanations, reasons, and details pour out of you when asked and then, you feel all the regret or frustration of having said too much or trauma dumped again.

When seasons of increased stress, prolonged harm, unseen trauma, and hidden abuse become part of your life story, the recovery and healing can be a long journey.

This kind of healing comes in waves and layers that you can’t predict or plan.

It takes real life situations, conversations, experiences and opportunities to test your resilience, push up against your window of tolerance, and expand your capacity. You have to take steps forward while expecting a few steps backwards, depending on what happens and what gets triggered inside of you.

Attending church could be brutally hard after experiencing church hurt. Seeing family at an event might be terrifying after going through a divorce. Realizing that you might bump into a past friend or co-worker feels awful. These things bring up feelings, anxieties, and stress.

Your nervous system is still learning how to regulate, calm, breathe, and hold boundaries.

The process of rebuilding trust within yourself, holding your emotions differently, and checking in with the parts of you is new and takes time. It often means giving yourself permission to skip an event, sleep through an afternoon, leave the room if it gets tense, or hold steady boundaries for longer than anticipated.

Trauma recovery is arduous, lengthy, difficult, and humbling.

It’s so challenging to accept that the things that didn’t used to exhaust you, now make you desperately long for bedtime. It’s nearly impossible to give yourself permission to take an out when you’re used to powering through no matter what happens.

Yet, as you begin and continue the healing journey, you realize that the whole process is necessary.

There’s no easy button. No quick fix. No secret sauce. No advance to the end.

The recovery and healing journey is one step, one lesson, one process, one experience at a time.

It takes community, support, and a lot of time with Jesus.

Think of it this way

You’ve been in the ICU. It took life support, oxygen tanks, IVs, tons of sleep and top specialists to get you where you are right now.

But just because you aren’t in the ICU anymore, doesn’t mean everything is back to normal and you’re cleared for normal activities.

You might be in a step-down unit or a rehab center or still going to multiple appointments every week as part of your recovery journey.

You’re still in the baby steps of therapy, the early stages of healing, and just beginning the challenging road of rebuilding your strength.

Maybe you’ve graduated physical therapy but you still need low-impact exercise before you’re ready for more.

Maybe you’ve started to feel strong and healthy… until you hit a wall faster than expected.

The after-care of these kinds of traumas, abuses, and harmful life situations is layered. There isn’t a once-size that fits all people.

You have to find your way, one helper, one book, one podcast at a time.

It might be time for a support coaching group or attending divorce care at a local church or an AA-style meeting with others who are on the same journey to heal.

Maybe it’s time to reach out, meet new people, and engage with new friends.

Depending on your relationship status, you might be ready for exploring a Christian dating site or join conversations with like-minded people.

Your brain might be longing for something new like going back to school or taking an online class.

Slowly but surely, you will discover new ways to introduce yourself, think about your life, tell your story, and engage with your future.

You’ll find hobbies, friends, and experiences outside of your hardships and complex traumas to find a healthier you.

Your body and brain will communicate trust and safety.

You’ll quickly notice fight, flight, fawn, or freeze moments and have the skills to navigate the situation or conversation or experience in new ways.

Your boundaries, capacity and resilience will shine with wisdom and awareness.

Your ability to give yourself permission to rest and recover will be highlighted as you step forward with whatever is next in your story.

Wherever you are on this journey of health and healing and recovery, whether you’re in a two-steps back moment or a “Wow, look how far I’ve come!” experience… you’re on this road of recovery and healing.

You’ll make it.

You can do it.

You’ve got this.